How To Diet… Slowly

Last week’s episode was pre-empted by travel and “sporting” events. We apologize for any inconvenience bestowed upon our readership.


Special Announcements:

RIP: Al Davis. The NFL would not be without you. You leave behind a legacy that affects millions every Sunday…

RIP II: Kent Hull, 50, Center for the Buffalo Bills for 4 Super Bowls. Nobody circles the wagons…

Congratulations!: City of Cleveland – wettest year on record. Special honorary mention on The Weather Channel this week…

“Whoa, I’m turning it loose!”: There is only one Ren McCormack…


A guy walks into a grocery store.

Sounds like the start of a joke, right?!

So, what’s the punch line?


No, really, I’m not kidding!

It starts with me doing my best to be a good student about my weight program. Allow me to connect the long & strange trail of dots (Special Note I: No comments from the readership peanut gallery!) for you on this one.

As I was saying, I am trying to be a good student about my weight program & occasionally read up on helpful hints to shave an extra half calorie or so where it seems feasible. (Special Note II: Most of the dieting helpful hints, as discussed in a previous episode amount to “keep from being hungry by licking the yogurt spoon when making your protein shake.” Uh, gee, thanks…) I was sitting at my glorified cubicle at work one day when I received an email from one of our organization’s partners in the crime on weight & justice in good health (or, maybe it’s the other “weigh” around!) which discussed the potential benefits of chugging on some molasses w/your oatmeal.

Being the somewhat healthier guy I am these days, I occasionally reach for a packet of favorably health instant oatmeal at work on mornings when I feel particularly hungry. I fire it up in the microwave and always find the challenge in cooking it long enough to be hot, versus overcooking it, in which it overflows like a volcano all over the microwave turntable. (Special Note III: Have you ever noticed how that only seems to happen when the kitchen is packed with people to witness your microwave-timing ineptitude?!) So, I’m thinking “hey, I could dripple a bit of molasses into the mix and walk on the edge.

Now, if you will, please flash-forward to the flashback where I’m in the local bake & crate grocery mart on a Sunday morning making my usual food run for the week. (Did you follow all that?!). Since I’m not intimately familiar with the molasses aisle, I figure I’ll take a couple of educated guesses & find me a small bottle to begin my morning experiment.

Alright, so here we go.

Check the Syrup & Slow Running Sugar Liquid (that’s really what the sign says! OK, no it doesn’t. But it should!) aisle.

No luck.

Check the Baking Goods aisle. OK, as a dude, I think I should get special props for this one!

No joy.

On to the Spices & Cooking Oils aisle.

I got nothin’.

Special Note IV: Now, for all those that don’t know CarolineH, she is frantically waving her hands in the air as she reads this because she knows the answer to mystery question of where molasses is located in the grocery store, and can’t get her hands to move quick enough to the keyboard. Just so all you’re aware.

And then on to the Salad Dressings & Vinegar aisle.

No molasses, but I found an awesome new salad dressing that I’ll try once I have a coupon!

Now, as a sssssstrrrrrrehhhtccchhhhh, I check the pasta sauce aisle. Yeah, I know this is out there, but I do recall sometime in the very distant past hearing someone say they added molasses to their pasta sauce. And, no, I don’t think it was CarolineH.

Special Note V: By this time, MonicaR has found a recipe for molasses online, bought the ingredients, made the recipe, and is sending me a small sample to get me through. You should taste her homemade marshmallows!

I have now exhausted all of my avenues of thought on the manner. It is now time for Plan B.

As I’ve been strolling the aisles, not only have I been thinking of the infamous fictional character in Ryan Gaerity (C’mon, Mr. President!), “who can make a bomb out of Bisquick,” (Special Note VI: It’s already bugging WaltK that he can’t connect the movie reference!) I’ve also been employing my Terminator screen to take stock of the employees in the area to assess their ability to assist in my efforts to successfully find molasses.

Three dudes w/a liftjack working with milk cartons, and a manager three aisles over in the safety pins & band aids aisle.

The Terminator screen has already eliminated these as potential candidates.

As I turn the corner on a split aisle, my saving angel appears out of nowhere! Holding what appears to be a creative mix of other baking-related goods! On this Sunday morning, the clouds have dissipated, and rays from the sun are shining down!

I fumble briefly over my words, as they all seem to be rushing out of my mouth at the same time:

Excuse me, where would I find molasses?

The response:

What is molasses?

The Terminator screen in my mind is shorting out.

Really?! What is molasses?

I explain to the clerk that it is an ingredient used mostly for baked goods, but can apparently be used as a dripple topping on oatmeal for those of us watching our weight (Alright, no, I really didn’t say that last part to a teen-aged clerk who couldn’t care less). I checked the baked goods aisle, but couldn’t seem to locate it.

The response:

Well, if it’s not in the baked goods aisle, I don’t know where it would be.

Uh, thanks. Blink, blink, blinkety-blink. Terminator screen is in full shutdown…

Did I miss a chapter?! Or maybe a boat?!

The clerk was young, but I’m kind of the thinking that molasses is not grocery-store discriminatory, nore age-discriminatory. Surely, (Special Note VI: I know all movie buffs reading this just responded, “And don’t call me Shirley!”) somewhere in this good-sized local bake & crate grocery store there is a bottle of molasses. Surely…

I’m lost to think of this entire experience on a couple of different levels:

  • This poor clerk had no idea what molasses is
  • The clerk didn’t really know what products may or may not be in the store, AND
  • In typical modern-day customer service fashion, made NO EXTENSION OF EFFORT beyond responding to me to find out for me, OR their own knowledge, whether the store actually carried such a product!

You know, I much dislike admitting it, but back in my days in the vast & depressing retail service industry, I did manage to learn some very valuable lessons that I fortunately (or, unfortunately based on your perspective!) carry through for me to this day. If I know the answer, I try to help out; if I don’t know the answer, I try to find out. Sometimes, in not knowing the answer, I learn more from the experience. Now, this doesn’t mean I was perfect as a customer service manager – I’m sure there’s an unhappy customer or two that walked away from me thinking I was some sort of long-haired young punk (which, by the way hasn’t changed much – now I’m just a short-haired young punk!). But I did at least try to help in every situation…

The quest continues… slowly…


Tunes of the Week:

      Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leppard

      Sticky Sweet – Motley Crue

      Sugar Walls – Sheena Easton

      Brown Sugar – The Rolling Stones

      Sugar – Tori Amos

      Sugar (That Sugar Baby O’ Mine ) – Billie Holiday

      Sugar – Lenny Kravitz

      Sugar – System Of A Down

      Sugar, Sugar – The Archies (Jeff Barry & Andy Kim)

      Sugartime – Johnny Cash


Raise a Sugar-Rimmed Glass!

May Your Friday Be Followed By A Sweet Saturday!


Realizar Sus Ambiciones


Published in: on 13Octpm1111 at 5:08 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Hummm…. my first thought it is located next to the honey or the syrups… but since you searched there my guess is you need to find try a different store. I had the pleasure this week of having blood withdrawn and while there the phlebotomist was telling me about Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar as a wonder “drug” that helps promote weight loss. You can be the guinea pig. 🙂 I hear a little honey with it makes it taste better. You might find it next to the molasses…

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