‘Twas The Night Before ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas…

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by Clement Clarke Moore
or Henry Livingston

(Adapted for Friday Fun Fact by our very own team of mildly-skeptical writers)


‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

And why is that?! Is everything frozen or on the rocks these days?!

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

I hope they were hung with care – this is a fire hazard! How does this family philosophy go  – no, you can’t play with fire, but please hang combustibles above the fireplace?!

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

OK, we can forgive the “sugar-plums” dancing part – this is an old text; they didn’t have iPods or Red Rider BB guns back then. But really?! The kids were “nestled all snug in their beds?” Look, I don’t even have kids and I know putting them to bed on Christmas Eve is like wrestling cookies from Santa Claus – it’s a major challenge!

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

Settled down for a long winter’s nap?! Who the h-e-double-hockey-stick is going to finish wrapping the gifts?! I hear enough of stories to know exactly how many gifts are wrapped AFTER the challenge of putting the kids to bed – 99.53%!*

* The other .47 % bought their gifts online, and had them wrapped before shipping.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

Great – now we’ve got issues: the lawn is torn up, you have to repair the shutters on a holiday when the hardware store is closed, and the kids have to be awake by now. Does anyone believe if there was “such a clatter” that the kids wouldn’t be awake? On Christmas Eve?! Anyone? ! Bueller?!

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Clearly, this guy’s thoughts are in other places…

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

Given his previous statement, he might actually mean “wandering eyes.”

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

Little old driver?! So lively and quick?! This dude is a jolly fat man. Either we’ve had a little too much egg nog, or our narrator may need to hit the gym himself.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

On the lawn, in the air… what is this – a UFO sighting?

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

Yeah – get off the gosh darn lawn!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

And the kids still aren’t awake? Riiiiigggght.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

Fur?! Does PETA know about this?

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

So, what you’re telling us here is that he was planning on sliding down chimneys all night dressed in fur. I’m thinking even back then there were better options that would have maximized his speed & efficiency – lycra, spandex, maybe a skin-diving suit?

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

You let peddlers into your house? Don’t most people post a “No Solicitation” sign these days? Maybe the bundle of toys is a distraction while he robs you blind!

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

This guy is a cornucopia of nature!

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

Pipe?! Is this setting a good example for the younger generation? No smoking allowed in the house, kids! Er, uh, we mean “no smoking” kids!

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

Elf?! He’s never been portrayed as an elf! Ronnie James Dio would not be pleased if he read this!

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Oh, good – laughing at Santa Claus. Guess what list that puts you on…

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

Has this little driver-elf-chubby-plump-jolly guy who breaks into houses to leave gifts ever been brought up on B&E charges? (Special Holiday Victim Note: B&E is Breaking & Entering for those readers who don’t watch Law & Order, or have family members who specialize in the craft.).

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

The little old driver who has miraculously turned into a fat man is now springing. Got it…

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”

To very appropriately quote the immortal words of the great fictional character, Cousin Eddie,

 “Merry Christmas! Sh***** was full!”

Raise A Christmas/Holiday Grog!

May Your Friday Be Followed By A Holiday Weekend with Much Holiday Cheer!

D

Published in: on 13Decam1111 at 12:29 am  Leave a Comment  

Santa Must’ve Been Drinking…

Great Day to You, Friday Fun Facters!

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Special Announcements:

2011 Goals Review: If you haven’t noticed, we’ve almost reached the end of 2011. So, it is time to find the goals list you created for this year, dust it off, and review. Hopefully, you did well! Learn from your successes, and learn more from your challenges…

2012 Goals Submission: Funny how the end of 2011 will suddenly bring on 2012. Or, at least we hope. Make sure to submit one goal to Friday Fun Fact for review by our readership! Be the one to inspire others to greatness in the coming year!

It’s Duck Season! It’s Wabbit Season!: No, it’s Bowl Season! College Bowl Season kicks off today w/the much-heralded Gildan New Mexico Bowl. And then, we’re off to the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl followed by the New Orleans Bowl. Uh, has ANYONE heard of these Bowl games?!

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The Holiday gift giving season is well under way. If you haven’t noticed, don’t go shopping – anywhere. At this point, it may even be too crowded to shop online!

But, you know, there’s one jolly guy who never has this problem. Santa Claus – supposedly – never has to wait in those lines, and he seems to know exactly what you want. At least, until he doesn’t…

On this day when NorthEastern Ohio is starting to look like Christmas & the dreaded winter season, Friday Fun Fact thought it would be appropriate to review some not-so-quality gift ideas.  If you get any of these gifts, then Santa must’ve been drinking…

  • Personalized Socks. This could be one of the more underwhelming gifts one can give or receive. There’s a lot of work involved to watch a courteous reaction. If you’re going to go this route, my suggestion is not to get the gold-linted version – they scratch a little.
  • Ties. Unless you have a quality creative sense, and know the style of the recipient, you might want to come up with another idea. This one screams back of the closet – that’s exactly where it’s going to be when the gifts are put away later.

  • Perfect Meatloaf Pan. This may go for almost everything in the “As Seen On TV” department, with the Bedazzler being the one notable exception (Special Note I: This one’s for you Brother Dave! Everyone should have a Bedazzler!).
    Look, there is no such thing as a perfect meatloaf, at least not that I’ve ever seen. And here’s the more important thing: if the meatloaf is perfect, it certainly is NOT because of the pan. (Special Note II: I am sure the cooks in our Readership will be commenting on meatloaf recipes!)
  • Fast Food Gift Certificates (Special Note III: Wait… RobC is already filing a complaint with The Committee on this one.). I like a fast food burger that’s been slow-roasted on the burger warmer after it’s been cooked just as much as the next guy. However, in this day & age of healthier eating, fast food gift certificates aren’t exactly an “in” gift. So, unless you are giving these to a fast food junkie, then our suggestion is to up the ante to at least a good sit-down meal, like a BP Subway card.
  • Fruit Cake. If this idea is even remotely crawling around your head, just recall ol’ Aunt Edna when she told Clark Griswold “It made me so sick!”

    In this case, you’ll be better off baking and giving BAD cookies than fruit cake. (Special Note IV: Are we going to hear anything from our resident chefs on this one?!)
  • Ugly Christmas Sweater. Yes, we know this is all the rage right now. People are having “Ugly Christmas Sweater” parties. When did these things become hip?! The ONLY GOOD THING about this gift is that it has a limited appropriate time frame of use. Otherwise, it’s completely inappropriate. I remember one year I got a not-so-attractive shirt from a girlfriend’s parents – even she didn’t like it! However, the good boyfriend I was, I made sure to embarrass myself every now and then by wearing it to a family function. Now, it’s a fond memory. But an ugly Christmas sweater will never be a fond memory. Never…

If you got any of these gifts for Christmas, you now know that Santa must’ve been drinking. I’d start drinking with him if you have to before you have to wear or indulge in any of them…

You’re best bet: just give BEER!

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Tunes of the Week:

Redneck 12 Days Of Christmas – Jeff Foxworthy

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer – Elmo & Patsy

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas – Gayle Peevey

Nuttin’ For Christmas – Stan Freeberg

Grandpa Got Run Over By A John Deere – Cledus T. Judd

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Raise A Merry Glass!

May Your Friday Be Followed By A Saturday, and now, A Sunday!

D

Realizar Sus Ambiciones

Published in: on 13Decpm1111 at 9:31 pm  Leave a Comment  

Smoke A Little Smoke!

Great Day to You, Friday Fun Facters!

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Special Announcements:

Runner-Up, Most Unnecessary Film Of The Year: Chipwrecked. Do we really need a 3rd Alvin & The Chipmunks movie?!

Most Excited Viewer of the Most Unnecessary Film Of The Year: BeckyW. Have at it, Becky…

Army/Navy Game: Here’s to a “field of battle” where everyone survives. Go Army. Go Navy.

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There I was, innocently watching the big sports channel during my workout when I saw it. It scrolled across the bottom of my television screen on the sports channel ticker like an apparition. And, to this moment, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the concept. It read something like below:

New NBA contract calls for steroid testing, while HGH (Human Growth Hormone) testing is still being discussed. Players will not be tested for recreational drugs during the off-season.

What?!

Can someone draw this out on the whiteboard for me? I’m just a bit confused. Let’s review the tragedy of events for those who haven’t been playing along:

  • First, we can’t come to an agreement on a new collective bargaining agreement.
  • Then, we have an extended lockout.
  • The lockout comes to a “celebratory” & quite seasonal end, and all is forgiven just in time for, yep, you guessed it, Christmas!
  • All that’s left to do is re-certify the players union to vote on the contract, and then have it begrudgingly ratified by the owners. (Special Note I: by the way, the owners of small market teams are working hard to help the league veto trades that create super teams.)
  • And now, we get these little details scrolling across the bottom of the sports channel screen that I guess we assume we won’t put together in the end.

I think that about sums it up. Anyone have anything to add? Please let me know.

OK, now back to the issue at hand.

I’m really at a loss on the drug testing policy, or there lack of, for NBA players. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t have anything against NBA players, or the alleged drugs. However, can ANYONE tell me of another collective bargaining agreement for a major company or organization that specifically states that testing for recreational drugs won’t be done during certain instances of employment contracts?

Maybe there are things about this contract that shouldn’t be publicized. I’m thinking this might be one of them.

Let’s also point out that these “employees” are athletes who make a boatload of money.  Shouldn’t these athletes consider how these recreational drugs will affect their performance? I know that we have some young athletes who have been photographed allegedly making choices/mistakes that young people make. And, I also know that there are debates regarding the legalization of some recreational drugs. The Committee & Friday Fun Fact organization will leave the judgments on these issues to the court of public opinion. But we do enjoy pointing out the absurdity of specific situations.

If we make a play to extend the hyperbolic analogy (Special Note II: GregK just rolled his eyes.), let us compare to the average employee under the average terms of employment contract.

Isn’t this like saying to the Average Joe, “Go ahead and partake in recreational drugs on the weekends?”

I’m really thinking I haven’t seen this in an employment contract, news story, or work environment (Special Note III: OK, maybe in the counter-culture work environment). The last time I checked, as well as discussed with the unofficial Friday Fun Fact Thursday Night Meeting Group (Special Note IV: Uh, much different from The Committee, as this group focuses on episode creation, unbeknownst to them & me.), when accidents happen at work, employees are actually – and, get this – tested for drug use. This implies that drugs better not be in your system, or you are suspect (I say, SUSPECT!) to termination.

Then there’s that whole role model thing. Like it or not, when you are in the public eyeball, you have the opportunity, and responsibility, to be a role model to young kids & young adults on a national & international stage. How do parents explain to their young child that their favorite NBA player got caught with recreational drugs in the off-season?! “Oh, don’t worry Billy, he’ll be done with court by time the season starts. It’s OK for them to do recreational drugs in the off-season.” Talk about a conflicting set of parameters for kids! Do we have to drag out the old PSAs (Public Service Announcements) with the infamous “this is your brain on drugs” demonstration?

So, outside of being on Tony Montana’s or George Jung’s payroll, or being a rock star, I’m thinking this clause regarding recreational drugs should be re-thought instead of following Alice down into the rabbit hole…

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Tunes of The Week:

Smoke A Little Smoke – Eric Church

Because I Got High – Afroman

Reefer Man – Cab Calloway

I’ll Never Smoke Weed With Willie Again – Toby Keith

Hits From The Bong – Cypress Hill

The Private Psychedelic Reel – The Chemical Brothers

Good Vibrations – Beach Boys

Mary Jane – Rick James

White Rabbit – Jefferson Airplane

Astronomy Domine – Pink Floyd

Purple Haze – The Jimmy Hendrix Experience

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Raise A Legal Glass!

May Your Friday Be Followed By A Lucid Saturday!

D

Realizar Sus Ambiciones

     

Published in: on 13Decpm1111 at 11:35 pm  Leave a Comment  

Name That Christmas Commercial Tune?!

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Special Announcements:

Urban Legend?: Welcome to BuckeyeNation, Mr. Meyer. Stay healthy.

Stretching The ScapeGoat: Ryan Pontbriand. Browns Pro Bowl field goal snapper being released due to a couple of snap snafus in the past three weeks. Yeah, it’s all the long snapper’s fault the Cleveland Browns are football’s version of the Chicago Cubs…

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Welcome to Monday Mayhem!

The ultra-late version of Friday Fun Fact.

Although The Committee approved holding this episode until this coming Friday, our creative writing team was re-inspired to ship this out for distribution while watching vignettes of Monday Night Football in between commercial programming…

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Somewhere between Halloween’s hangover and Black Friday, they started. And, they haven’t stopped. Like Freddy Krueger’s nifty razorblade glove scraping against the boiler room pipes, Christmas commercials have infiltrated every television program from morning time to prime time. There’s no escaping them, except during infomercials.

“I wonder if these heavy eyes can face the unknown.”

Some are obnoxious, like the ones from the infamous & alleged biggest box store on the planet. Not only are they obnoxious (which by the way, in Marketing terms makes it memorable), but the added “bonus” is they are played over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and… you get the point.

Some are funny, like the “Game On, Santa” campaign brought forth to us from my personal investment firm, Best Buy. These are a new twist on the Christmas theme, in which the lady of the house trumps Santa by getting all of the gifts, drinking his milk, and leaving but one stocking to fill – the dog’s.

And then some are down right (I say “downright!) ridiculous! I’m talking a specific set of car ads. Have you had the chance to see any of these yet? The actors in the ads are given a car for Christmas. And the surprise is delivered by a loved one who has MacGyver’d some way to play the car company’s theme song – either in a music box, cell phone, or yes, Guitar Hero.

The question is not the absurdity of the ads, but how many ways Friday Fun Fact can slice and dice these trinkets. Well, let’s give it a go:

  • If you know the car ad jingle enough to pick it out, you watch WAY TOO MUCH television
  • If you know the car ad jingle and this is what matters to you in life, you may need to examine your priorities
  • If you actually think you are going to be surprised with a car as a Christmas gift, YOU may need to be examined. Really?! Who expects this?!
  • And going further down that road, what risk would someone be taking by getting someone a car for Christmas? The color could be wrong; it might not have Bluetooth, tires, etc.
  • Who the h-e-double-hockey-stick makes the big bow displayed on the cars in the commercials? Do you drive home with the ribbon on top?
  • And, what exactly is the demographic here? ESPECIALLY in a down economy! I know there are some people that the      economy hasn’t affected. I’m not sure if I know too many of them.
  • Oh, and Guitar Hero?! AND you recognize the jingle?! AND you stop playing and start crying?! You’re going to lose the game! “You play to win the game!”

I am positive Your Readership has its own “favorite” Christmas commercials. I’m already not sure if I can take it anymore. Maybe the Dream Warriors can help me through this nightmare…

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Tunes of the Week:

Santa Clause Is Coming To Town – Benny Goodman / Bruce Springsteen

Dream Warriors – Dokken

Do You Hear What I Hear – Bing Crosby / Whitney Houston

Cars – Gary Numan

All I Want For Christmas – Mariah Carey

Santa Baby – Eartha Kitt / Madonna

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Raise A Seasonal Glass!

May Your Monday Mayhem Be Followed By A Friday!

D

Realizar Sus Ambiciones

   

 

Published in: on 13Decpm1111 at 11:43 pm  Leave a Comment